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algy

Let's tell a story befitting a novel!

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While talking in the kitchen, Farmer Flocker asks Vincent, do you know anyone that does dog training. My damned dog keeps going after wooden legs. Yes says Vincent, A Mr Eagle, A nice gentleman from Liverpool, he's sure to help you out with your problem.

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Wolf slunk away under the table, the poor dog didn't fancy the idea of someone called Eagle trying to teach him what do, he was so nervous that he lay there silently passing wind, the stench drifted out where Flocker Vincent and Rachael eyed each others accusingly. Flocker was the first to speak

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"sorry about that" said farmer flocker "it's the sprouts you see" a sad look in his eye. "i tried to corner the sprout market last yer but them EU wallers from brussels put the kybosh on my plans" The others looked at him quizzically. "I have ten thousand tons of sprouts hanging about the place and have been living off them for the last year"

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he story so far.......

 

It was a dark rainy night in a small Lancashire Mill town, Vincent and Rachael had entered the pub and sat in a dark corner away from the hustle and bustle of the bar, "Eh lass" says Vincent "The way the light fromt pool table strikes Tha face makes thee look just like that fillum star"..."Gregory Peck", Not at all, I've just eaten an ice cream. Without warning a cold chill and an eerie silence suddenly radiated through the dimly lit pub and the doors slowly eased open revealing... a conveyor belt laden with long robes folded neatly and seperated by what appeared to be A body of water. Vincent said, "I told you the beer was weak Rachael, the landlords watering it down!" Rachael was shocked and decided to confront the landlord But she found he already had a con on his front. The other customers meanwhile Drank coke with a big dash of Bacardi Rum with ice and a slice of lime And a straw. Suddely out of nowhere the startled voice of an old sea dog who had until now sat quietly in a smokey (other) corner of the pub bellowed out. "Not COKE I tell you (and it's all going to pot now) ..... but aye Rum the devil's brew" "I seen the likes of this befor nows and be wary, BE VERY WARY, It was one dark October night, the air was cold and the.." the limes froze but at least the ice didn't melt so we couldn't drink it though a straw. The landlord shouted to the old sea dog that it was against the law to smoke in the pub to which the old sea dog replied that he wasn't smoking, it was his wooden leg that had set alight after sitting too close to the fire. Vincent raised his glass and began to sing, "What shall we do with a drunken sailor....." and several other drinkers in the pub joined in. As the revelry reached it's height there was a bright flash of light and a low rumble followed by a crash as the door was flung back...... And in walked Elvis Presley, who had just finished his shift at the fish and chip shop. "Hang on a minute" shouted Bruce the bar tender....... "this can't be right as Elvis is supposed to be" dead, but it wasn't Elvis it was 'Lightening Clogger' the fastest clog dancer in Oswaldtwistle, sweeping the old sea dog up in his arms, he quickly realised his mistake and dropped him again (great clog dancer but awfully short sited) and swept Rachael up and in a flash made a lightening clog dance through the doorway, However, she then had heart attack and popped her clogs. Vincent was fuming. He chased after the lightening clogger and caught up with him near to Farmer Flocker's parsnip field. He bashed him over his head with the sailor's wooden leg, which he had snatched on his way out of the pub. As the clogger buckled at the knees he dropped Rachael to the ground. She gave out a long low moan then opened her eyes. She was not dead after all. Just fainted. she gazed into Vincent's eyes adoringly and whispered "Bruce my hero" the knock on her head had given her amnesia and she thought Vincent was Bruce the barman her secret lover, Vincent who had spotted farmer Flocker coming across the field with his trusty hound 'Wolfie', Wolfie stopped, sniffed around then raised his back leg and did what hounds do do when they raise their back leg. Unfortunately he did it up Farmer Flocker's leg and he was't best pleased about it. He gave wolfie a swift boot up his tail end and the hound howled like the devil himself was coming. Wolfie had been running round and round looking for a flock of sheep, and now felt a bit Dizzy. The old sailor came down the road shouting and waving his arms about, "Oye! Ye land lubber! where's me leg!? gimme back me leg!" To say he was furious would have been an understatement. In fact, he actually hoppig mad!. Farmer Flocker who had been helping Vincent to revive Rachael turned to Wolfie and set him on to the old sea dog, Wolfie tore at the sailors good leg, worrying it, well! making it quite nervous anyway, Flocker ordered Woolfie to release the sailor who hopped away hauling obscenities at the farmer, shouting "you anchor, "Scurvy ol' landlubber! I'll have ye flogged and locked in the brig for that...!" Then turning and waving his fist at Farmer Flocker, added, "You see if I dont!" He then began hopping back towards the group again, shouting to them, "And give me back me wooden leg...! You barrel full of theivin rogues"! Apologetically, Vincent picked up the wooden leg, which was lying on the ground, and handed it to the old sailor. The old sailor snatched it from Vincent and screwed it back into place before turning and, with some muttering to himself, proceded back down the road, step, plonk, step, plonk, step, plonk.... You plonker said Vincent. Wolfe picked up on the sound of the the wooden leg, and thinking it was a game went chasing after it. "Well", said Rachael to Vincent, "I don't fancy going back to the pub now". "Tell you what", said Farmer Flocker, " I do have a nice drop o' strong cider back up at th'old 'ouse, why don't pair o'you come and sample some?"

"That would be nice", replied Vincent with a broad grin, "very kind of you to offer". So off the three of them set to the farmhouse, leaving the lightnening clogger lying moaning on the ground, Farmer Flocker whistling for Wolfie to come back. Farmer Flocker said that he once knew a man with a wooden leg called Smith, Vincent said "What was the name of his other leg?" "Fortesque-Fotheringaye", quipped Farmer Flocker. While talking in the kitchen, Farmer Flocker asks Vincent, do you know anyone that does dog training. My damned dog keeps going after wooden legs. Yes says Vincent, A Mr Eagle, A nice gentleman from Liverpool, he's sure to help you out with your problem. Wolf slunk away under the table, the poor dog didn't fancy the idea of someone called Eagle trying to teach him what do, he was so nervous that he lay there silently passing wind, the stench drifted out where Flocker Vincent and Rachael eyed each others accusingly. Flocker was the first to speak - "sorry about that" said farmer flocker "it's the sprouts you see" a sad look in his eye. "i tried to corner the sprout market last yer but them EU wallers from brussels put the kybosh on my plans" The others looked at him quizzically. "I have ten thousand tons of sprouts hanging about the place and have been living off them for the last year"

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"Sit you both down". Said Farmer Flocker, "I'll just call me daughter t'go darn cellar and bring up a pitcher o' cider", Then yelled with a loud voice, "Shania!" The door opened and in walked a gorgeous young woman with blonde hair which fell in folds around her shoulders. She was wearing a low cut blouse, revealing a rather voluptuous bossom and a very short skirt, which barely covered her essentials. She was eating a pear. "Nice juicy pear"! Vincent exclaimed. Racheal saw him staring wide eyed with salive druling from his mouth. She stood up and slapped Vincent with great force, which left a vivid red handprint on his cheek. "Nice pair indeed...!" she said, adding, "you never tell me I have a nice pair....! Well you are not all that so you enjoy the nice pair cos I'm going back to see Bruce"!

"Bruce the bartender?" asked Farmer Flocker, "Don't you know...? He bat's for other side".

"So he plays cricket..." Rachael said somewhat naively

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you mean he's 'on the other bus' 'a brown hatter' 'an uphill gardener' "no wonder I never new which way to turn said Rachael", suddenly there was a knock on the farmhouse door, the Farmer got up and answered the door, there stood Bruce, "so your the Flocker who's been spreading rumours about me". Vincent shouted "there's no smoke without fire, is this true Bruce", Bruce replied " give us a kiss and I'll tell you", Rachael fainted again, the voluptuous Shania told them all to stand back as she was trained in mouth to mouth resuscitation, at that moment Vincent also fainted

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after hearing the news that Wolfie hadn't actually been feeling Dizzy after all... PHEW :unsure::lol:

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Bruce shot an uppercut that landed under Farmer Flocker's chin, knocking him clean out. Bruce looked at the three unconcious bodies lying on the floor then said to Shania. "Shania, come on love, leave them and let's get away while we have the chance". Taking her hand he helped her up then hugged her, gave her a big kiss on her lips, then another on her ample bossom before telling her, "Let's go, I'll take you somewhere where your dad will never find us and we can be married." Hearig a big slurping noise they looked down to see Wolfie licking Farmer Flocker's face. " Quick!" said Bruce with a sense of urgency and pulled Shania to the door.

Just at that moment Vincent woke up. He saw the pair leave and quickly got to his feet. He hesitated only a moment to shake his head then rushed out after the two. He called out to them, "You are making big mistake...! It won't last...! I can make you very happy....! Marry me instead Bruce....!

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Bruce and Rachael caught a number 43 bus to Percy Main via Wigan, Latchford Locks and Durham and who should they see driving the bus but Des O'Connor singing 'Dick-A-Dum-Dum with Bernard Manning collecting fares

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They ended up getting married and rented a cottage in Berwick upon Tweed.

Being a farmer's daughter, Shania grew all their own vegetables in the garden while Vincent desired to grow roses, lilies, peonies, and lilacs.

They had three children in rapid succession. A boy and a girl and no-one knew what the other one was. Bruce sewed all their clothes and knitted them jackets and blankets.

They were happy enough for the first five years of marriage but Bruce never forgot hearing Vincent calling after them.... "marry me instead Bruce...!" Vincent was often in his thoughts and he would think how different life would have been if he had married him instead of Shania, who now had grown fat and had varicose veins and wore dentures. Her long flowing blonde tresses had returned to their natural black and was greying and full of split ends.

After seven years of marriage, Bruce got the itch and realised that he could no longer stand the woman he married. He had to face upto it, his heart really belonged to Vincent. He then made up his mind and left the cottage without telling Shania where he was going - to search for Vincent - his real true love.

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But Bruce was never to find vincent in this world. Some three weeks after Bruce had left the village vincent, in a fit of drunken despair decided to burn down the inn that Bruce had worked at. The ensuing explosion of the vats of scrumpy concealed in the cellar not only flattened the inn but claimed the life of poor vincent.

 

Around the same time Rachael had moved in with farmer flocker,after getting him off his sprout diet, and with her innate business sense had managed to sell the remaining sprouts at a profit as high grade fertiliser. using his recipe for a very tasty new cider they invested the money into a brewery which now has a world wide customer base and employs thousands.

 

The old sailor has changed little, he hangs around the new inn that was built across the street from the ruins of the old one and has had a new plastic leg fitted after the wooden one started to get wet rot. He spends most evenings telling the chilling tale of when the local inn was burned to the ground and of the ghost of poor vincent that is said to haunt the area.

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Just what I expected. Sabotaged, just when it was warming up. :roll: :roll: :wink:

For once we agree Wolfie, I thought folk were just getting the hang of it! anyway what happened to the 'Lightening Clogger' he only got thumped?, plus there were a few more characters in the pub. Joe Becket, Hairy Mary, Widow Wankey from Sankey' Wally the Window Cleaner and one or two others. :wink::D :grin:

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Ok can't wait so to set the ball rolling -

 

Gladys Entwistle was an aging spinster who lived alone with her five cats at number 14 Station Road, where she was born and grew up.

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outwardly she had a bright cheerful personality, however there was a dark side to her that few outside of the local Womens Institute knew of, those members consisted of women that had through lack of opportunity or failed love affairs never married and hated the male of the species

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There were several rumours about the institute and it's members, of which Gladys was the matriarch.Their reassurances that besom's were best for sweeping the floors made many think the obvious but few voiced it. Even the local vicar was in awe of them despite finding them hunched over a steaming cauldron, meekly accepting that they were "Making jam"...

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Gladys loved nothing more than sitting in the peaceful solitude of the churchyard on a fine day admiring the floral tributes on the graves. She would look around and if she saw there was nobody about she would point a boney finger at a flower and smile to herself as she watched it quickly fade and die. Often when she decided to leave and make her way home there would not be a single flower left living on any of the graves.

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Before we end up with a goonerman essay or a tara dad full page paste, shouldn't the replys be limited to one sentence? :unsure:

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will 12 months Community Service do?

 

 

Edit

 

This reply was to Wolfie's post. :D

 

Good idea Eagle, any poster(s) in particular? :wink:

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You've made a good point Wolfie I think were getting a bit carried away, but seeing as this is Cleo's baby I suppose it's up to her!. :unsure:

And don't let's ignore Eagles contribution, hes cracked a 'funny'. :lol: :lol:

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