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The Maggot In Me Head


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I am sure that there are a number of Dandy and Beano fans who when reading this story will know exactly what I am talking about. There must have been times when taking a gentle stroll through the park, when all of a sudden, you approach a park bench. The sign that Parky has put up is plain and simple for all to see. Wet Paint Don?t Touch.



But his efforts have gone in vain haven?t they? You just have to touch it don?t you? Well I do, that?s the kind of person I am. So you have a little touch and lo and behold, yerv?e got wet paint all over yer hands. You would think that by this little episode that I would have learned something wouldn?t you? Well I learnt naff all, I?m still the same today. And what I am about to tell you, very nearly became my downfall.


At one time in my life, I was very much into dog training. At first, it was just a matter of having an obedient dog, a dog who I could take anywhere, and I would know that I could trust it and the dog would behave its self. The first dog that I ever trained was a little Lancashire Heeler. Some people call them Ormskirk Heelers. But this is quite wrong. The Ormskirk Heeler has longer straight legs, where as the Lancashire Heeler has short Queen Anne Cabriole legs. Bandy for want of a better description, hmmmm, a bit like me Mams legs come to think of it. She stood ten inches tall at shoulder height, me dog I mean, not me Mam.


The next dog that I trained up was a three part Rottweiler. I got her as a rescue dog at two years old. She had a really good temperament which was fantastic, not a nasty bone in her body, but she looked the part, as my next step was to train her up in bark protection work. That is to get the dog to put on a good show by lurching forward on the lead and barking its head off at an aggressor. And that?s as far as I wanted my dog to go in protecting me when it was called for. To put the bite in was a big no no. Even a police dog handler can have a tough fight on his hands if he has to go to court because his dog has bitten somebody whether they deserved it or not. A destruction order to be put on my dog would be unthinkable, so bark protection is what it stayed at. And let?s face it, if an aggressor still wants to have a go at you even though your dog is pulling and barking at him, it?s about time to turn around and show him a clean pair of heels isn?t it? Cos yer?ve got a real live nutter on yer hands.



So me dog was trained up in bark protection work, Okay?

But instead of being satisfied at that, I then felt the need to know how an aggressor would be feeling once confronted by a supposedly equally aggressive dog. There was only one way to find out.



One cold and wet November evening, I was stood on the top floor of a multi storey car park doing a spot of dog training. Amongst the other dog handlers was an officer with his German Sheppard dog from the local nick. I had done dog work and a couple of obedience trials with the officer, so I knew how good he and his dog were. There was something niggling and pecking away at me head, and I knew exactly what it was. Before I asked the fateful question of the officer, I had visions and flashbacks of a big neon sign flashing through me mind saying, don?t do it, just keep quiet, Wet Paint Don't Touch.



But no. The seed had been firmly planted in me head. The maggot in me napper wouldn?t leave me alone until I did what was on me mind. I have already mentioned that I wanted to know how an aggressor would be feeling when confronted by a trained up working dog. So this was it, it was do it now, or leave the maggot in me head to wriggle about and torment me for the rest of eternity. I?m not a brave person, not by any means, slightly touched in th?ead some might say. Or as me granddad once said, yer not wired up reet lad, th?as shortin out somewhere.


A quick word with Mad John the dog handler, and my request had been granted, I was going to find out first hand how a real aggressor would be feeling when chased by an attack dog. He gave me full instructions on what to do, they were simple enough. I was to set off running, and then I?d get three warnings to stand still. I was to ignore the first two warnings and carry on running. But what ever you do Wingnut, said Mad John, make sure you stand still on the third warning because me dog Jake, will be havin a nibble of you if you don?t.


Me mouth was all of a sudden very dry, and me adams apple felt as though it was being rubbed with sandpaper. But there was no turning back now. Mad John gave me a bit of a shove, and I turned and ran for the far end of the car park. Me legs were just about working when I heard the first command come from Mad John. STAND STILL, OR I?LL SEND ME DOG. I carried on running as I was told to do, I could hear Jake begin to bark, and I knew he?d be pulling on his leash in order to get at me. I?d now gone into a cold sweat and it seemed as though I was running in slow motion. LAST WARNING STAND STILL! came Mad Johns second command. I wanted to stop but I couldn?t, me body wouldn?t do what me brain was telling it to do. I also knew that at this second command Jake would be unleashed and he would be after me. It seemed as though I had been running for hours since the second warning from Mad John.



Had I missed the third warning? How far behind me was Jake? Oh my god! all I wanted to do was jump over the edge of the car park balcony to get out of the way, but me body was still doing anything other than what me brain told it to do. The third warning finally came, STAND STILL! I swear, I came to a stop that fast, I nearly gave meself whiplash. I was like a statue, me hands were covering me essentials, and me eyes were closed tight. I felt and heard Jake run past me. He was barking and yelping his head off as if he was daring me to move another step. Mad john caught up to us and called his dog off. How yer feeling Wingnut lad? Are yer okay? He asked. Yer looking a bit white about the gills. It was the most I could do to nod me head now I know what it feels like. Would I do it again? Mmmmmm?................. Dunno, it?s just when that maggot gets in me head again, ya know worra mean like?

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Brilliant Wingy...but you mad mad man :shock::lol:


Glad you finally got round to telling that on here and most excellently described if I may say so :lol: Had me glued to the screen and on the edge of my seat even though you had told me about it before.


Rather you than me and I'll just stick to touching wet paint (yes I still do it too :oops: ) and I hope that my little maggot doesn't get as adventurous as yours :shock:

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Thanks folks.

If you thought that was mad, just wait until you hear about the pig squeeling contest that I organised with a couple of the lads one night while fishing last year. :)


Incidentally, it was only a few weeks before that night on top of the car park, that Mad John entered the North of England police dog trials with Jake.

The idea was to see who's dog could pull the aggressor down to the ground in the shortest time.


The aggressor was wearing a padded sleeve on his right arm as usual. But for some reason, Jake chased after him and decided to grab him by his left arm instead. He won the competition hands down. :):)


Another story coming up, "Blasters Challenge" God rest him. Just got to sort some kind of a drawing out. A tale of a crazy kind of bet that we had between us just for a laugh.

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You know what Wingy... you have had some fun and daft times in your life by the sounds of it. We should all take a leaf out of your 'madness' book :wink::lol:


So many tales to tell your grandkids :lol: I wonder what I will tell mine whenever that time comes... gosh they will think I was so BORING :shock::?

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