Wingnut Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Will you shape yerself lad, and urry up and get yerself dressed, shouted me Mam from under the natural stone sink basin where she was re-setting the mouse traps, I want you to take me into town for some last minuit bits and pieces. ME MAM And before you do anything, get the small step ladders from under the stairs and change that light bulb, the one that keeps flashing on and off. What for? says I, it?s in keeping with the lights on the Christmas tree. Just do what yer told, and ger on with it she replied. Small step ladders? Queried I, we haven?t got any small step ladders. Oh yes we have said me Mam, I bought them last week, and threw that old wooden pair away, they weren?t safe. And since when have you been concerned about my safety? I asked. Just stop yer stupid questioning and get on with it, said me Mam, and don?t bother getting into one of yer strops, I haven?t got the time fer it today. I must admit, I did feel a tad sorry for her, as I do seem to go off on one with more regularity than what I used to do, it must be them new tablets that I?m on. So today, just for a change, and seeing that it?s almost Christmas, I would do my best to cheer her up and ignite her chuckle button for her. I got to thinking about the old time characters that I once knew, they were always good for a laugh weren?t they? But first that light bulb, I?ll get that out of the way, then me times me own, and I can wonder off into a world of me own. The step ladders were made of aluminium and about three feet tall which extended outwards once you had worked out how to flip the catches on the sides to open them out, and then to lock them into place again for safety. Why they have to make things more complicated than what they need to be is beyond me. Anyway, I opened the steps up and stood on the top step. The next thing that I knew, they collapsed and I went for a burton, firmly jamming me left foot down the side of the couch. Me other foot was trapped between the first and second step of the ladders. I could plainly see that it was going to be two falls, one submission, or a knockout to decide on the winner before I got meself untangled out of this one. I kicked the steps free of me foot and sent the cat scurrying for the top of the curtain rail, knocking me bowl of cornflakes and warm milk all over the rug in its wake. Me other foot took a bit of heavy manual labour to free it from down the side of the couch. I stuck me hand down the side of the cushions and had a feel about. I found half a kebab, two chips, three odd socks, and a magazine from off the top shelf in the newsagents before the police closed him down in 1982. Hmmm? don?t know how that got there. I finally got meself dressed and sorted out, and we were on our way to town. First stop was a sort of gift shop that sold all kinds of bits and bobs of pottery and stuff. Me Mam wanted a plant pot for Ships Cat me next door neighbour. While we were in the queue waiting to pay for the purchase, I was stood just to one side of her, ever so slightly out of her line of vision, and I was wearing me trench coat that reached down to past me knees. Every now and then, I?d tap her on the shoulder to ask her something, when she turned to look at me; it appeared as though I had shrunk another six inches in height, until finally I was standing at her waist height. Behave yerself, she said, stand up straight and stop yer messing about, yer embarrassing me again. Okay then, I said, I?ll just go and have a look at these tea cups over there. Now, I don?t know about you readers, but a tea cup has to be just the right size for me. I don?t like them too big, too small, too narrow or too wide, they have to be just right, I?m very fussy in which cup I like a drink of tea from. All I wanted was to be left alone to make my own personal choice of tea cup. But NO, the interfering owld boot of a shop assistant had to approach me and ask if I needed any help. All I said was...... I was just wondering what your cup sizes were............ I was unceremoniously grabbed by me ear by me Mam who unfortunately heard what I had said, and got it completely wrong. And don?t think that I didn?t know about that magazine that you hurriedly stuffed down the side of the couch one night when I came home early from bingo she added. Some people can go through their life as dull as ditch water. But me, I?m a class act all in me own right. And the good thing is that I don?t even have to try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harry hayes Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 Reads well Wingnut. A working class drama. Can identify with some of the parts - but not the ones you think I mean. Happy days Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dizzy Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 You most certainly are a "class act all in yer own right" Wingy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
algy Posted December 24, 2010 Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 You can certainly tell a colourful tale me owd' mate, a word smith in the making. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Sid Posted December 25, 2010 Report Share Posted December 25, 2010 ahh the time honoured way of handling children and rabbits. those were the day eh. slaps round the head from the nearest adult for any wrong doing and the unceremonious march down the street using one of the handy handles at the side of the head to the accompanying chorus of "aw mam it wasn't me that did it". i know what you mean about the cups though. too large a cup and you can't finish the brew before it goes cold. too small a cup and you are reaching for an empty one before you have had chance to quench your thirst leaving you with that let down feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted December 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2010 Tis true about the drinking sizes cups mate. These things are sent to try us. One other thing I don't like about cups, is that when somebody gives you a cup of tea, and the cup is the right size, but it's only three quarters full when they have taken the tea bag out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harry hayes Posted December 25, 2010 Report Share Posted December 25, 2010 Only leaf tea on our side of Alder Lane, Wingnut. As I see it with cups, some are not wide enough to take a digestive biscuit - or again, on our side of Alder Lane, a chocolate digestive. Best wishes Happy days Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted December 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2010 Harry. One of my earliest memories is being sent to old Bobs off licence by me gran, and to ask him for a "quarter of one and four tea". Brooke Bond I think it was, the one with a free picture card inside, or a perforated savings stamp on the side of the packet which you tore off and saved up. Even then, I knew it didn't sound right in asking for a quarter of one and four tea, I never could work it out, and I still can't. When I think about it, they were the best days of my life. Nobody had nowt, and me gran had even less, not even two ha'pennys to rub together, But we were happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harry hayes Posted December 26, 2010 Report Share Posted December 26, 2010 Correct .We had very little; expected the same; but made the absolute most of what we had got. One other thing, you can't tell your fortune with tea-bags. Happy days Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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