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New "poet"


harry hayes
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Have been prompted to try poetry and have so far made three efforts. This is one of them - please tell me if you like it, think otherwise ,and I have a thick skin(too sentimental?)

I am not fond of poetry with "arty farty" words which are not easily understandable so rightly or wrongly , I try to be plain and simple with language. If it is understandable, that,s good enough for me.

 

The War Widow.

 

Ah yes, she wears a wedding ring,

But too often walks alone.

That sweet grey haired old lady,

Who lives just on her own.

 

She remembers words from long ago;

Delivered on one knee.

You to me are everything,

Please, will you marry me?

 

Of course I will my darling,

The question caused a sigh.

You are my life, my being,

I,ll love you till I die.

 

Skies become a'threatening,

Our bridegroom goes to war.

And all too soon, that fateful knock;

Your husband is no more.

 

Oh how she hates the silent house,

No children has she borne;

So desperate to keep busy,

And leave no time to mourn.

 

Friends she has a plenty,

Some visit her each day;

But they must walk on egg-shells,

Be careful what they say.

 

Our bride is very old now,

And longs for heavens door.

And there to hear a soldier,s voice,

I love you even more.

 

Ah yes, she wears a wedding ring,

But no longer dwells alone;

That born again sweet lady,

And a family, all her own.

 

Happy days

 

[ 02.08.2007, 14:36: Message edited by: harry hayes ]

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ok you asked for it :) I like somone who is open to criticism, as we learn more from criticism than we do from praise.

 

most people who praise poerty have not bothered to read it all the way through, outloud and get a feel for its point. if a poem is great, you eiter wrote it yourself or it truly is great, 99.9% of all poems are drivel.

 

so negatives first then I can leave you on a possative.

 

not fond of the second verse, I dont like sentimental poetry, second verse strays into that.

 

you're trying to hard to fit the words into a rhyme, allow the words to force the shape, not the other way around.

 

Posatives

I like that this is a poem that people can identify with, as it places a third person as the centre, too many people write poetry that is deeply significant to them, and so sentimental slush ensues that means nothing to nobody...wheras they think its profound,

 

you have avoided this...very rare in early poetical work, which bodes well for your future efforts. I would like to see more.

 

good subject matter, reasonable length, makes reading not too labouring but shows effort to develop a story.

advice since your a self confessed newbie to poetry

I would reccomend saying words out-load and listen to the melody naturaly contained within words, how they rise and fall, use this melody in whole sentances and you can get a much more effective poem without the use of rhyme.

 

I would like you to write the whole poem again, not using anything that you have done before, possibly even write three, all the same poem but in diffrent ways... this will help you develop a lot.

 

finaly.

 

all efforts in poetry are to be admired, especialy to put it out there for others to read and enjoy, keep it up.

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My thank you for that. Your criticisms are well founded. My only doubt about the whole thing was the second verse.

My thought about the rhymes, were that the man (woman) in the street, who basically it was written for, assumes that,s what poetry is. Once you start getting into prose type things, the lay person - and me in the past - tends to switch off.

Thank you very much for taking the time and trouble to reply.I am still wearing my "l" plates.

 

Best wishes Happy days

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Harry - I think it is wonderful because you have painted a picture with this poem - I understand a war widows life better. That is the point of poetry - to paint a picture.

 

Keep the poems coming and Thank you! By the way I have been writing and reading poetry for most of my life.

 

[ 02.08.2007, 12:49: Message edited by: Mary ]

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Thank you dear lady. Nice to be well received but I well take Legions, point about where possibly the best learning comes from.

Painting a picture was the point of the exercise. Not all war heroes were men.

 

Very best wishes Happy days

(I have made an alteration to one line)

 

[ 02.08.2007, 14:37: Message edited by: harry hayes ]

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