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self shining shoes


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Yesterday the family was out and I was home alone so I took advantage of it and lay decomposing on the sofa.

The doorbell rang so i got up and went to see who it was. When i opened the door this bloke was stood there.

"Sorry if I'm disturbing you madam", he said politely, "but tell me, do you have any self shining shoes?"

Self shining shoes? I thought to myself, never heard of them. "No", I told him.

"Would you like to have self shining shoes, for only £20," he asked.

I'm thinking, this guy is a nutter but i told him, "Well yeah I would, it would save me the trouble of polishing them."

He then took a little jar out of his pocket and told me, smiling, "By applying the content of this jar you could have self shining shoes. All you need to do is to apply a little with a soft cloth then wait about 4 minutes. If after 4 minutes the shine hasn't appeared, just take another soft cloth and rub the shoe and you will find the shine is there underneath."

He's a loony if he thinks I'm falling for that one, I thought, it's just ordinary shoe polish."£20 for a jar of shoe polish!? I asked. "No thanks,!" and closed the door.

I went back to decomposing on the sofa.

A minute or so later the doorbell rang again and I got up again and went to answer it. This same bloke was stood there with a cup in his hand, "Sorry to disturb you again," he said, "but could you spare a cup of water for my dog? He's sleeping and the only way I can awake him is by giving him a drink of water."

I'm thinking now, he's not right in the head and needs some treatment, but, just to humour him, I gave him a cup of water and closed the door again and went back to decomposing.

Again the doorbell rang and somewhat annoyed I went and opened the door again. It was him again. This time carrying a dead cat that had a red scarf around it's neck. "So you don't want to buy some of this self shining shoe cream?" he asked.

"No I don't!" I told him. "and anway why are you carrying a cat with a red scarf around it's neck?"

"What's wrong with a red scarf? Would a blue one suit it any better?" he asked.

"Doesn't matter what colour it is, the cat's dead anyway?"

"Is it?" he asked seemingly suprised, "no wonder it won't wake up".

"Of coure it is you idiot!" I replied, "and anyway it's a cat not a dog". I was closing the door when i heard a wolf-whistle.

I was angry now and threw the door open and asked "Did you just whistle at me then!"

"No it wasn't me," he said, "it was my willy. Would you like to see my willy?"

Well I just lost it and slapped his face,shouting at him, "No! I don't want to see your damned willy you pervert. You need seeing to!"

Just then this budgie popped it's head up out of his top pocket. Blue it was with a white face.

It seemed to soften me and I said, "Awe, what a cute little budgie." then asked "What are you doing carrying a budgie around in your pocket?"

"That's my willy!" he proclaimed proudly. Then I realised I had acted too hastily. "He's my little mascot. He attracts the attention of the girls by whistling at them and we get chatting together."

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