asperity Posted September 13, 2013 Report Share Posted September 13, 2013 B&Q JOB APPLICATIONThis is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.They hired him because he was so funny....NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 milesDO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.-------------------------------------------After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.***Old People Rock!*** 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dizzy Posted September 13, 2013 Report Share Posted September 13, 2013 OMG is that my dad again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asperity Posted September 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2013 Gets around a lot does he? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazj Posted September 13, 2013 Report Share Posted September 13, 2013 I didn't think Obs would last long when he asked if I would be a referee on this application.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
francine Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Well good on the old codger, he made me laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fugtifino Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Hmmm.. http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/mcdonald.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfie Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Hmmm http://www.sbhonline.com/forums/threads/46672-Walmart-Application-This-is-an-actual-job-application-that-a-75-year-old-senior-citizen-submitted-to-a-Walmart-store-in-Arkansas-They-hired-him-because-he-was-so-funny-NAME-Kenneth-Way-(Grumpy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
algy Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Fugs - your a bloody spoilsport!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fugtifino Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Why? It's still funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asperity Posted September 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 You always get one..............well two then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
algy Posted September 15, 2013 Report Share Posted September 15, 2013 Why? It's still funny. Yes it is very amusing and I'm sure we know characters who would have done that though I doubt they would have been offered the job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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