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Albert And The Lion


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Following on from Kate's recital;




There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool

That's noted for fresh air and fun

And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom

Went there with young Albert, their son.

A fine little lad were young Albert,

All dressed in his best, quite a swell.

He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle;

The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean,

The waves they were piddlin' and small.

There were no wrecks and nobody drownded,

'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all!

So, seeking for further amusement,

They paid, and went into the zoo,

Where they'd lions and tigers and camels

And cold ale and sandwiches, too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace

Whose nose was all covered with scars;

He lay in a som-no-lent posture

With the side of 'is face on the bars.

Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions-

'Ow they was ferocious and wild;

To see lion lyin' so peaceful

Just didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,

Not showin' a morsel of fear,

Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle

And stuck it in Wallace's ear.

You could see that the lion din't like it,

For givin' a kind of a roll,

'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im

And swallered the little lad - 'ole!

Now Mother 'ad seen this occurrence,

And not knowin' what to do next,

She 'ollered "Yon lion's et Albert!"

An' Father said "Ee, I am vexed."

They complained to an animal keeper

Who said "My, wot a nasty mis'ap;

Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?"

Pa said, "Am I sure? There's 'is cap!"

The manager 'ad to be sent for;

'E came and 'e said "Wot's to-do?"

Ma said "Yon lion's et Albert,

And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!"

Father said "Right's right, young feller-

I think it's a shame and a sin

To 'ave our son et by a lion

And after we paid to come in."

The manager wanted no trouble;

He took out his purse right away,

Sayin' "'Ow much to settle the matter?"

Pa said "Wot do you usually pay?"

But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward

When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone.

She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!"

So that was decided upon.

And off they all went to p'lice station

In front of a Magistrate chap;

They told what 'ad 'appened to Albert

And proved it by showing 'is cap.

The Magistrate gave 'is opinion

That no one was really to blame,

And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms

Would 'ave further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazin':

"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she-

"Wot, spend all our lives raisin' children

To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"


Stanley Holloway.


[ 28.01.2008, 09:11: Message edited by: Wingnut ]

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how it really happened.


The Battle of Hastings


I?ll tell of the battle of Hastings

As happened in days long gone by

When duke William became King of England

And ?Arold got shot in the eye


It were this way one day in October

The duke who were always a toff

Having no battles at moment

Had given his lads the day off


They?d all taken boats to go fishing

When some chap in t?conquerors ear

Said ?let?s go and put breeze up the Saxons?

Said bill ?by gum that?s an idea?


Then turning round to his soldiers

He lifted his big Norman voice

Shouting ?hands up who?s coming to England?

That was swish as they hadn?t no choice


They started away about tea time

The sea was so calm and so still

And at quarter to ten the next morning

They arrived at a place called Bexhill


King ?Arold came up as they landed

His face full of venom and ?ate

He said ?if you?ve come for regatta

You?ve got here just six weeks to late


At William rose cool but ?aughty

And said ?give us none of your cheek

You?d best your throne re upholstered

I?ll be wanting to use it next week?


When ?Arold heard this ?ere defiance

With rage he turned purple and blue

And shouted some rude words in Saxon

To which William answered ?and you?


Twere a beautiful day for a battle

The Normans set off with a will

And when both sides were duly assembled

They tossed for the top of the hill


King ?Arold he won the advantage

On the hill top he took up his stand

With his knaves and his cads All around him

On ?is ?orse with ?is ?awk in ?is ?and


The Normans had nowt in their favour

Their chance of victory seemed small

For the slope of the field were against ?em

And the wind in their faces an all


The kick off were sharp at two thirty

And soon as the whistle had went

Both sides started banging each other

Til swineherds could ?ear ?em in Kent



The Saxons had best line of forwards

Well armed with both buckler and sword

But the Normans had best combination

And when half time came neither had scored


So the duke called his cohorts together

And said ?let?s pretend as we're beat

Once we get the Saxons on level

We?ll cut off their means of retreat?


So they ran and the Saxons ran after

Just exactly as William had planned

Leaving ?Arold alone on the hill top

On ?is ?orse with ?is ?awk in ?is ?and


When conqueror saw what had happened

A bow and an arrow he drew

He went right up to ?Arold and shot him

He were offside but what could they do


The Normans turned round in a fury

And gave back both parry and thrust

Till the fighting were over bar shouting

And you couldn?t see Saxons for dust


And after the battle were over

They found ?Arold so stately and grand

Sitting there with a eye full of arrow

On ?is ?orse with ?is ?awk in ?is ?and.


[ 28.01.2008, 14:26: Message edited by: Evil Sid ]

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It was just a few days before Easter

When in through the beautiful door

Of Maxwell's Exotique Emporium

Swept Lady Belinda Fox-Gore.


Sebastian Sleek, chief assistant,

Oozed across with a smirk and a smarm

And bowed low in a glitter of Brycreem,

Saying: 'May I assist you, Madaam?'


'Yes,' said Lady Fox-Gore with a whinny

And a waft of her elegant hand,

'You may bring me a box of soft nails

And a saxophone made out of sand;'


'And I want a glass wig for my nephew

And a case of your happiest cheese

And a bottle of fog from Vienna

And a dozen young Oxfordshire fleas;'


'Oh, I nearly forgot, bring an igloo

And some edible towels and a gong

And a cardboard guitar and a post box

And a fork with a wobbly prong;'


'And two ounces of bone-china rhubarb

And a tortoise for warming the bed

And a packet of knotted spaghetti

And some liquid for polishing bread;'


'Have you horses? Young Charlie loves horses,

So I'll take twenty-three of the best

And a pair of wire socks and a molehill

And one half of a plasticine vest;'


'And a chair with five legs and a milk float

And a puddle to hang on the wall

And that thing over there with a helmet

And a couple of cod - and that's all.'


Mr Sleek slaved away with brown paper

Till at last he had everything wrapped,

Then he wished Lady Gore: 'Happy Easter,'

'Do you mean it's not Christmas?' she snapped.


'And I thought it was deepest December,

What a silly Milady am I,

Now I won't need a thing; please excuse me

But my taxi is waiting. Goodbye.'


So she left with a flounce and a flourish

And a swish of the beautiful door,

While, dissolved into tears, poor Sebastian

Seeped away through a crack in the floor.


[ 28.01.2008, 16:56: Message edited by: Wingnut ]

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