Wingnut Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 Following on from Kate's recital; ALBERT AND THE LION. There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool That's noted for fresh air and fun And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert, their son. A fine little lad were young Albert, All dressed in his best, quite a swell. He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle; The finest that Woolworth's could sell. They didn't think much to the ocean, The waves they were piddlin' and small. There were no wrecks and nobody drownded, 'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all! So, seeking for further amusement, They paid, and went into the zoo, Where they'd lions and tigers and camels And cold ale and sandwiches, too. There were one great big lion called Wallace Whose nose was all covered with scars; He lay in a som-no-lent posture With the side of 'is face on the bars. Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions- 'Ow they was ferocious and wild; To see lion lyin' so peaceful Just didn't seem right to the child. So straightway the brave little feller, Not showin' a morsel of fear, Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle And stuck it in Wallace's ear. You could see that the lion din't like it, For givin' a kind of a roll, 'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallered the little lad - 'ole! Now Mother 'ad seen this occurrence, And not knowin' what to do next, She 'ollered "Yon lion's et Albert!" An' Father said "Ee, I am vexed." They complained to an animal keeper Who said "My, wot a nasty mis'ap; Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?" Pa said, "Am I sure? There's 'is cap!" The manager 'ad to be sent for; 'E came and 'e said "Wot's to-do?" Ma said "Yon lion's et Albert, And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!" Father said "Right's right, young feller- I think it's a shame and a sin To 'ave our son et by a lion And after we paid to come in." The manager wanted no trouble; He took out his purse right away, Sayin' "'Ow much to settle the matter?" Pa said "Wot do you usually pay?" But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone. She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!" So that was decided upon. And off they all went to p'lice station In front of a Magistrate chap; They told what 'ad 'appened to Albert And proved it by showing 'is cap. The Magistrate gave 'is opinion That no one was really to blame, And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms Would 'ave further sons to their name. At that Mother got proper blazin': "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she- "Wot, spend all our lives raisin' children To feed ruddy lions? Not me!" Stanley Holloway. [ 28.01.2008, 09:11: Message edited by: Wingnut ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Sid Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 how it really happened. The Battle of Hastings I?ll tell of the battle of Hastings As happened in days long gone by When duke William became King of England And ?Arold got shot in the eye It were this way one day in October The duke who were always a toff Having no battles at moment Had given his lads the day off They?d all taken boats to go fishing When some chap in t?conquerors ear Said ?let?s go and put breeze up the Saxons? Said bill ?by gum that?s an idea? Then turning round to his soldiers He lifted his big Norman voice Shouting ?hands up who?s coming to England? That was swish as they hadn?t no choice They started away about tea time The sea was so calm and so still And at quarter to ten the next morning They arrived at a place called Bexhill King ?Arold came up as they landed His face full of venom and ?ate He said ?if you?ve come for regatta You?ve got here just six weeks to late At William rose cool but ?aughty And said ?give us none of your cheek You?d best your throne re upholstered I?ll be wanting to use it next week? When ?Arold heard this ?ere defiance With rage he turned purple and blue And shouted some rude words in Saxon To which William answered ?and you? Twere a beautiful day for a battle The Normans set off with a will And when both sides were duly assembled They tossed for the top of the hill King ?Arold he won the advantage On the hill top he took up his stand With his knaves and his cads All around him On ?is ?orse with ?is ?awk in ?is ?and The Normans had nowt in their favour Their chance of victory seemed small For the slope of the field were against ?em And the wind in their faces an all The kick off were sharp at two thirty And soon as the whistle had went Both sides started banging each other Til swineherds could ?ear ?em in Kent The Saxons had best line of forwards Well armed with both buckler and sword But the Normans had best combination And when half time came neither had scored So the duke called his cohorts together And said ?let?s pretend as we're beat Once we get the Saxons on level We?ll cut off their means of retreat? So they ran and the Saxons ran after Just exactly as William had planned Leaving ?Arold alone on the hill top On ?is ?orse with ?is ?awk in ?is ?and When conqueror saw what had happened A bow and an arrow he drew He went right up to ?Arold and shot him He were offside but what could they do The Normans turned round in a fury And gave back both parry and thrust Till the fighting were over bar shouting And you couldn?t see Saxons for dust And after the battle were over They found ?Arold so stately and grand Sitting there with a eye full of arrow On ?is ?orse with ?is ?awk in ?is ?and. [ 28.01.2008, 14:26: Message edited by: Evil Sid ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Chaos Posted January 28, 2008 Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 Both written by Marriott Edgar of course and performed by Stanley Holloway Marriott Edgar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted January 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2008 LADY BELINDA FOXGORE It was just a few days before Easter When in through the beautiful door Of Maxwell's Exotique Emporium Swept Lady Belinda Fox-Gore. Sebastian Sleek, chief assistant, Oozed across with a smirk and a smarm And bowed low in a glitter of Brycreem, Saying: 'May I assist you, Madaam?' 'Yes,' said Lady Fox-Gore with a whinny And a waft of her elegant hand, 'You may bring me a box of soft nails And a saxophone made out of sand;' 'And I want a glass wig for my nephew And a case of your happiest cheese And a bottle of fog from Vienna And a dozen young Oxfordshire fleas;' 'Oh, I nearly forgot, bring an igloo And some edible towels and a gong And a cardboard guitar and a post box And a fork with a wobbly prong;' 'And two ounces of bone-china rhubarb And a tortoise for warming the bed And a packet of knotted spaghetti And some liquid for polishing bread;' 'Have you horses? Young Charlie loves horses, So I'll take twenty-three of the best And a pair of wire socks and a molehill And one half of a plasticine vest;' 'And a chair with five legs and a milk float And a puddle to hang on the wall And that thing over there with a helmet And a couple of cod - and that's all.' Mr Sleek slaved away with brown paper Till at last he had everything wrapped, Then he wished Lady Gore: 'Happy Easter,' 'Do you mean it's not Christmas?' she snapped. 'And I thought it was deepest December, What a silly Milady am I, Now I won't need a thing; please excuse me But my taxi is waiting. Goodbye.' So she left with a flounce and a flourish And a swish of the beautiful door, While, dissolved into tears, poor Sebastian Seeped away through a crack in the floor. [ 28.01.2008, 16:56: Message edited by: Wingnut ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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