Strange but True.

[Peter T]

STRANGE BUT TRUE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No".

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

The moral of this storey is - Don't mess with old folk!!

 

 

A recent survey in England asked the following question:

?Are there too many foreigners in this country now??

Answer:

20% YES

10% NO

70% بواشنطمعهد الأمن العالمي

 

The Obligatory Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys, he Shook them and said, "They?re bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

The maid wants a pay rise

Maria went to her mistress to ask for a pay rise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

...Maria got her raise

JUNIOR SCHOOL CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE SEA

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous, jellyfish can sting and electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. Julie age 7).

[Mary]

Hahahaahaha - those were very good - thanks for the laugh Peter!!