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Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 

In case you need a laugh:

 

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions

recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last..................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

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