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Winter Fuel allowance

Lt Kije

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Winter fuel allowance



About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving

another ' Winter Fuel’ payment once we've had a couple of weeks of

decently cold weather. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and


I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.



Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it and only if you're old enough.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and

electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by

spending your ' Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:


* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China,

Taiwan or Sri Lanka


* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs


* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras

and Guatemala


* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea


* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan


* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to

management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1. Spending it at car boot sales


2. Going to night clubs


3. Spending it on prostitutes


4. Buying beer or whisky


5. Getting yourself a Tattoo


6. Visiting a bookie



(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )



Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute

that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!


No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

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