Classics

[Lt Kije]

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers.

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! 

 

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FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________ 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 

Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

 Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER.

 Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century)

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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick

 TEACHER: Why are you late? 

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

 JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 

TEACHER: No, that's wrong 

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 

(I Love this child) 

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

 DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 

TEACHER: What are you talking about? 

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 

WINNIE: Me! 

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

 MILLIE: I is.. 

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 

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TEACHER:

George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 

HAROLD: A teacher

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