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Lt Kije

An old classic

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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.   

 

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

 

The speed of delivery must have been too much

 

for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read......     

 

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.    

 

 

 

 

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a  marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

 

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

 

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but

 

the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.  

 

 

 

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

 

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"  said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

 

 

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked

 

on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart..  "Who's fust jarted?"  asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

 

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.  

 

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

 

 

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The version that Lt displayed was said to have been written by Red Skelton not Ronnie barker and I don't believe Ronnie performed that either on TV or stage.

 

Here's another less objectionable version:-

 

 

Once upon a time in a corn foundry there lived a geautiful birl and her name

was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad

blisters. Also in this same corn foundry there lived a pransome hince, and

this pransome hince was going to have a bancy fall and he'd invited people

for riles amound especially the pich reople. Now Rindercella's mugly other

and her two sad blisters went to town to buy some dancy fesses for the

bancy fall, but Rindercella couldn't go cause all she had to wear were some

old ruddy dags. Finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella

couldn't go so she just crank down and shried. And she was sitting there

shrieing when all of the sudden there appeared before her, her gay

mudfather and he touched her with his wagic mand and there appeared

before her a kig bulch and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall,

and he said -- "Rindercella, be sure and be home before midnight or I'll

purn you into a tumpkin!" Wh

and Rindercella spaced down the rairs and just as she beached the rottom

she slopped her dripper! The next day this pransome hince went all over

this corn foundry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper.

They finally came to Rindercella's house, and he tried it on the mugly other

and it fidn't dit. Then he tried lt on the two sisty uglers and it fidn't dit an

d

then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit! It was exactly the sight rize!

And so they were married and lived heavenly after happily. Now the storal

of the mory is: if you go to a bancy fall and you want a pransome hince to

lell in fove with you -- don't forget to slop your dripper!

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Try as I might I really couldn't read either of those and see what was funny or objectionable.... but ahh my other half has kindly just read them out loud to me (between giggles) :lol::lol:

 

He said Ronnie B didn't, and would never have, written the first one Lt K too (yep he's a Ronnie B fan Zzzzzzzz)... but he said it was bloodly funny all the same and I agree :lol:

 

And as Algy's said ..... time for me to slop my drippers too and time for bed with my jammy Jims :D

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Objectionable :shock:

 

You could have stopped reading algy.

No! Lt, I didn't find it at all objectional in fact I found it very clever and amusing, I suppose I said that as a broad statement thinking that probably some people may have found it a bit on the coarse side, but there again maybe not!. :unsure:

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