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Lt Kije

The Six Affairs

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The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

 

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

 

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

 

He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

 

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

 

She looked down at his shoes and said:

 

'You lying ba**ard!

You've been playing golf!'

 

The 2nd Affair

 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

 

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

 

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

 

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

 

The 3rd Affair

 

A mortician was working late one night.

 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

 

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

 

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

 

The 4th Affair

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

 

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

 

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

The 5th Affair

 

A man walked into a cafe went to the bar and ordered a beer.

 

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

 

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

 

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

 

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

 

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

 

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

 

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

 

 

The 6th & Best Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

 

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

 

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

 

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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:lol::lol::lol:

 

... might have to edit the 'b' word in the 1st one though ....................... JOKE !!!!! (woudn't be quite the same without it eh :lol::lol::lol::wink: )

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Thought I'd hide this one under your topic Lt K :wink:

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Sorry about that I missed it :oops:

 

I've edited it to bar steward :wink:

 

:oops::oops:

 

Dooh :?:lol::lol: I would have left if :lol: It's not as funny now so I've just edited your 'bar steward' :lol::wink: ... that was my favourite joke :lol:

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