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asperity

Life hacks

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  • 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do walk beside me either. Just leave me alone!
  • 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
  • 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  • 5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • 7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • 9. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • 10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • 12. If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • 13. Don't squat with your spurs on.
  • 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  • 15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
  • 16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  • 17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  • 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • 19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • 20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • 21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • 22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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:lol: Now those I like...especially number 1, 5, 6, 7, 12, 16 and of course number 22 :wink: 

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