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  1. THE DIAGONAL STEAM-TRAP by Crawford Howard Now they built a big ship down in Harland's She was made for to sell to the Turks- And they called on the Yard's chief designer To design all the engines and works. Now finally the engines was ready And they screwed in the very last part An' yer man says, "Let's see how she runs, lads!" An' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start! So they pushed and they worked an' they footered An' the engineers' faces got red The designer he stood lookin' stupid An' scratchin' the back o' his head. But while they were fiddlin' and workin' Up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell He had worked twenty years in the `Island' And ten in the `aircraft' as well. So he pushed and he worked and he muttered Till he got himself through to the front And he has a good look roun' the engine An' he gives a few mutters and grunts, And then he looks up at the gaffer An' says he `Mr Smith, d'ye know? They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap! How the hell d'ye think it could go?' Now the engineer eyed the designer The designer he looks at the `hat' And they whispered the one to the other Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?' But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, like To not knowin' what this was about, So he says `Right enough, we were stupid! The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!' Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered Away down to throw in his boord And the Gaffer comes up and says `Jimmy! D'ye think we could have a wee word. Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap? I know it's left out - it's bad luck But the engine shop's terrible busy D'ye think ye could knock us one up?' Now, oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone off He had made it all up for a gag He'd seen what was stoppin' the engine - The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag! But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets An' he says `Aye, I'll give yez a han'! I'll knock yes one up in the mornin' An' the whole bloody thing will be grand!' So oul' Jim starts to work the next morning To make what he called a Steam Trap, An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing An' a steam gauge stuck up on the top, An' he welds it all on to the engine And he says to the wonderin' mob As long as that gauge is at zero The Steam Trap is doin' its job!' Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe An' he gives the oul' engine a try An' bejasus! she goes like the clappers An' oul' Jimmy remarks `That's her nye!' Now the ship was the fastest seen ever So they sent her away to the Turks But they toul' them `That Steam Trap's a secret! We're the only ones knows how it works! But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut An' soon the whole story got roun' An' the Russians got quite interested... Them boys has their ears to the groun'! So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor To take photies of Jimmy's Steam Trap And they got them all back to the Kremlin An' they stood round to look at the snaps. Then the head spy says `Mr Kosygin! I'm damned if I see how that works! So they sent him straight off to Siberia An' they bought the whole ship from the Turks! When they found the Steam Trap was a `cod', like, They couldn't admit they'd been had So they built a big factory in Moscow To start makin' Steam Traps like mad! Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon And he says `Youse'uns thinks yez are great! But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap Yez'll find that we've got yez all bate!' Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went `harpic' So he thought he'd give Harland's a call And he dialled the engine-shop number And of course he got sweet bugger all! But at last the call came through to Jimmy In the midst of a terrible hush, `There's a call for you here, from the White House!' Says oul' Jim, `That's a shop in Portrush!' There's a factory outside of Seattle Where they're turnin' out Steam Traps like Hell It employs twenty-five thousand workers And the head of it... Jimmy Dalzell!
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