asperity Posted February 26, 2017 Report Share Posted February 26, 2017 THE DIAGONAL STEAM-TRAPbyCrawford HowardNow they built a big ship down in Harland'sShe was made for to sell to the Turks-And they called on the Yard's chief designerTo design all the engines and works. Now finally the engines was readyAnd they screwed in the very last partAn' yer man says, "Let's see how she runs, lads!"An' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start! So they pushed and they worked an' they footeredAn' the engineers' faces got redThe designer he stood lookin' stupidAn' scratchin' the back o' his head. But while they were fiddlin' and workin'Up danders oul' Jimmie DalzellHe had worked twenty years in the `Island'And ten in the `aircraft' as well. So he pushed and he worked and he mutteredTill he got himself through to the frontAnd he has a good look roun' the engineAn' he gives a few mutters and grunts, And then he looks up at the gafferAn' says he `Mr Smith, d'ye know?They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!How the hell d'ye think it could go?' Now the engineer eyed the designerThe designer he looks at the `hat'And they whispered the one to the otherDiagonal Steam Trap? What's that?' But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, likeTo not knowin' what this was about,So he says `Right enough, we were stupid!The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!' Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarperedAway down to throw in his boordAnd the Gaffer comes up and says `Jimmy!D'ye think we could have a wee word. Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?I know it's left out - it's bad luckBut the engine shop's terrible busyD'ye think ye could knock us one up?' Now, oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone offHe had made it all up for a gagHe'd seen what was stoppin' the engine -The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag! But he sticks the oul' hands in the pocketsAn' he says `Aye, I'll give yez a han'!I'll knock yes one up in the mornin'An' the whole bloody thing will be grand!' So oul' Jim starts to work the next morningTo make what he called a Steam Trap,An oul' box an' a few bits of tubingAn' a steam gauge stuck up on the top, An' he welds it all on to the engineAnd he says to the wonderin' mobAs long as that gauge is at zeroThe Steam Trap is doin' its job!' Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipeAn' he gives the oul' engine a tryAn' bejasus! she goes like the clappersAn' oul' Jimmy remarks `That's her nye!' Now the ship was the fastest seen everSo they sent her away to the TurksBut they toul' them `That Steam Trap's a secret!We're the only ones knows how it works! But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shutAn' soon the whole story got roun'An' the Russians got quite interested...Them boys has their ears to the groun'! So they sent a spy dressed as a sailorTo take photies of Jimmy's Steam TrapAnd they got them all back to the KremlinAn' they stood round to look at the snaps. Then the head spy says `Mr Kosygin!I'm damned if I see how that works!So they sent him straight off to SiberiaAn' they bought the whole ship from the Turks! When they found the Steam Trap was a `cod', like,They couldn't admit they'd been hadSo they built a big factory in MoscowTo start makin' Steam Traps like mad! Then Kosygin rings up Mr NixonAnd he says `Youse'uns thinks yez are great!But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam TrapYez'll find that we've got yez all bate!'Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went `harpic'So he thought he'd give Harland's a callAnd he dialled the engine-shop numberAnd of course he got sweet bugger all! But at last the call came through to JimmyIn the midst of a terrible hush,`There's a call for you here, from the White House!'Says oul' Jim, `That's a shop in Portrush!' There's a factory outside of SeattleWhere they're turnin' out Steam Traps like HellIt employs twenty-five thousand workersAnd the head of it... Jimmy Dalzell! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Sid Posted February 27, 2017 Report Share Posted February 27, 2017 After working for the government for twenty odd years i can well believe that there is more than a grain of truth in that. :cool: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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